Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Friendzone = Clusterf*ck of Bullsh*t

Excuse the language in the title, but it's damn necessary. We need to have a chat about this weird concept that is actually quite messed up. You may have heard of it. You may have been "put" in it. You may have done the "putting".

The Friendzone.

I've wanted to write this for a while, mostly because, it affects everyone. Ok...Maybe not everyone. It affects young adults and adolescents – at least that's my impression, I've never heard a 45 year old man complaining about being friendzoned. If said man exists, he has some serious issues and should consider some therapy.

First of all, what is the Friendzone  ?
The Friendzone is a supposed "zone" where one (let's call them the Friendzonee) is placed after one's sexual/romantic feelings are rejected by the receiver of theses feelings (let's say, the Friendzoner). The Friendzonee and the Friendzoner could be either male or female, but usually it's the female who is characterised as the "evil bitch who put me in the fucking Friendzone". The Friendzonee is also typically a male who characterises himself as "a nice guy" and usually has a signature catch phrase such as "nice guys always finish last".

Love it.

I woke up this morning, happy and dandy. My friend made me some tea, I had a lazy roll around in my sheets. It was great. Then something not so great happened. It comes to my attention that a friend of mine is being harassed by some dude because he loves her and she doesn't.


I've whined time and time again about my hatred for the Friendzone (as a concept) to my friend, who, while she agreed, could not say she had really experienced anything to make her feel the same. Oh boy, did that change. After this guy declared his feelings for her, she obviously needed to say she didn't feel the same way. That's only fair, right? Right. All of a sudden, this guy gets angry because she doesn't feel the same way, and tries to guilt her into sharing his feelings. He starts to get pissed because she only likes him as a friend. He's infuriated that he's been friendzoned.

Okay stop.

Rejection is always going to suck. For girls and for guys. However, seeing your friendship with someone else as nothing more than a gateway to sex, a hook up or even a relationship...That's not cool. That's not friendship. All this does it perpetuate the myth that men and women can't be friends. Men and women can be friends, it's dickheads who complain about the friendzone who ruin it for the rest of us. By saying, "I really liked this chick, and I thought she was into it too, but then she friendzoned me..." that's making it seem like being friends is not only a temporary state, like a shitty little waiting room to something better, but also the worst possible thing that could happen to you. Since when is someone's friendship a shitty consolation prize ? If you really liked this person, wouldn't you rather be their friend than be nothing at all ?

Now as I mentioned earlier, the thing with the Friendzone is that it's usually paired up with the "Nice Guy Syndrome".

What is the Nice Guy Syndrome ?
Contrary to popular belief, having Nice Guy Syndrome doesn't make you a nice guy. Real nice guys (who are great human beings, like every nice person out there) don't have this. The symptoms of Nice Guy Syndrome are at first, totally normal signs of a decent person. You know, they listen to what you have to say, they're patient, they're polite, they don't pressure you etc. In a nutshell, they act how a normal, decent person should act towards another human being. Then the symptoms really come out when these guys are rejected by a female, a female who did not share their romantic or sexual feelings. They will start to bitterly talk about how women only ever date assholes and that nice guys (like them) always end up only being nothing but a friend.

Just a little thing, Mr Nice Guy: If you demonise a woman (who is supposed to be a friend) because she doesn't want to date you, and just wants to be your friend...Yeah. You're not a nice guy. Nice guys don't go around complaining that "some bitch put me in the friendzone". Nice guys don't fake respect and kindness just to get a girl to sleep with them. Do you really want to be with someone who isn't interested in you ? Do you think that women only exist as things to have sex with or to date ? Don't you think we're entitled to have a say and have that say be respected ? If you remain someone's friend (i.e. Stick it out in the Friendzone) just in the hopes of one day becoming more than friends, maybe you shouldn't be that person's friend. That's not a good enough reason for friendship. They probably deserve a lot more respect than that and a better friend than you.

And yes, okay, rejection sucks. I've experienced it too. But I have never hated a girl who didn't like or love me back. Furthermore, I've never insulted a girl who genuinely wants to be my friend, and unfortunately doesn't see me romantically or sexually. That's fine. You know why ? Because it's her choice. Just because I confess my feelings to her, doesn't mean she has to reciprocate.

Bottom line: When you put your feelings out there to someone, there will always be a small chance that someone won't return those feelings. If they don't, that's okay, you'll find someone else who does return those feelings, just don't reduce someone to a bitch, a slut, a whore etc, just because they didn't happen to feel the same way.

Obviously this is a sensitive topic, but feel free to lend me your thoughts. A little debate is always healthy.

xx Margot Ana

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